Tonight I have realised one thing; no matter what I do, some people are always going to hate me
I lie a lot, but there is a genuine person beneath that, and friends that stick around long enough to meet that person learn the truth, and discover that in actual fact, I'm a pretty shy person. The whole "outgoing" facade is purely to make myself come across as a strong person after being bullied a lot at secondary school. Perhaps I am stronger than I know; I've had to deal with a lot of shit tonight but it feels better now that it's all out in the open - I wasn't dealing very well with all the secrets. Here, is probably not the best place to write this but I need to get it out of my system. I'll be surprised with myself if I eventually click the little publish button at the end of this.
I know who my friends are and who I can trust now, equally I know who I can't trust. It feels better like this, even if I had to find out the hard way.
- ""I have many friends that like me" ...think again?"
- "Jump off a bridge, play in the road, throw yourself in to a vast body of water and make no attemp to swim. I dont care which of the above but please make everyones weekeend and do one of them pleasee."
- "No morals and a hideous backbone - go play in traffic . NO ONE LIKES YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THIS."
- "stop fucking people over and get out"
- "I really fucking hate you"
- "You remind me of desperate times"
- " Your a social climber... one day you will fall from the top when you realise that the 'friends' you have dont actually like you..."
- "Where you born with that nose or did a horse kick you in the face?"
- "I hate you"
- "I hope you choke on your own bitterly self centered behavior"
- "your answers are so contrived, it's painful to the eyes. Grow yourself an original personality and maybe then people will genuinely respect you."
- "youre such a wannabee it makes me sick."
- "why do you edit almost all of your photos? are you incapable of taking a decent photo?"
- "Why are you so self involved"
- "you're so fucking special why don't you marry yourself."
I am doing my best to stay optimistic at a time where everything and everyone I know seems to be crumbling in my arms.
I am beating myself up over friendships and exams and relationships and illnesses and mental health and drugs and careers and and and I'm ticking over and the only thing that is keeping me going is the one thing that is pulling us all apart. I have lost myself within myself, (not to self: If I find myself, I would quite like me back); my mind is wondering places I would rather it didn't but I have better friends than I have ever had, which is more than lucky because I really need them right now.
I have lost so many friends in the past, I am so scared of losing any more. Georgia, Alicia, Katrina: a part of my heart will always be yours.
And to everyone else, It will all be okay in the end... If it is not okay, it is not the end.
Last night was definitely a night to remember, i had a really lovely time hanging out with 5 of my best friends at my house, despite Hattie and Laura not being able to make it we still had a wonderful night and they were most certainly there in spirit. We had a marvelous time chatting away absolute nonsense and we took some beautiful photos, so i am very pleased indeed.
Everything seems so fragile at the moment, nothings seems sturdy and everything is questionable. No one really seems to know where we are heading and I have a bad feeling about where we are going to end up. I am the ultimate optimist so these words burn my fingertips as I jab away at the keys of my laptop. There is too much jealousy around at the moment and envy is not something to be underestimated; I will be glad when this has blown over, and I hope there is still something left when it does.
Other than the perpetual feeling of a looming disaster, what is there not to be happy about?
Like i said once before, The future isn't what it used to be.